Dearest John
54When I was 16 I ran away from the foster home where I had been living and headed out west to California. I found myself panhandling in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park when I met a young gay man named John. We became friends that day and for over a decade he was the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. One night he came over to my apartment, shouting up at my window from the driveway below. It was about 2:00 a.m. and my boyfriend at the time was furious about the whole situation and told me to tell “that f-ing drunk fag to get the f-ing hell out of here before I f-ing call the f-ing cops!” So, I very quickly pulled on some clothes and ran downstairs. John was, in fact, very drunk and completely distraught. I tried to quiet him down. My first impulse was to bring him back upstairs with me and bed him down on the sofa for the night, but I knew my boyfriend who had a really bad temper and was not very sympathetic towards gays would probably throw us both out the window if I even suggested that. So, against my better judgment, I turned my friend away, told him it was late and to go home. I said I’d call him in the morning and we would talk about what had happened to make him so upset. That was the last time I saw John. He killed himself that night.
Dearest John,
You’ll never know the depth of my sorrow
Your forgiveness I would steal
Your forgiveness I would borrow
If only I possessed the power
To change the past
To take back the hour
When my understanding was most needed
But my courage failed
And your wellbeing was superseded
By the weariness of my body
And fear of displeasing
Another lover false and shoddy
We stood together in times so tough
Protected and shielded one another
Trusting each other when life was rough
How could I be so false to you?
When you had nowhere else to turn
When you knew not what to do
I should not have abandoned you
Not left you to take your own life
I should have stood by you
My beloved friend, forgive me
After all these years and so many tears
My beloved friend, forgive me
http://hubpages.com/hub/Survival-Husband-1
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If at that moment your boyfriend was more important than your friend, you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
But if your friend was more important than your boyfriend, then you made a mistake.
We have to make choices all the time, in this life.
You made your choice.
John made his.
Maybe both were wrong choices, or maybe they were the right ones.
Think about it!
This is life!
And never feel guilty.
Disturbia,
This was so beautiful in its pain. I understand where you are coming from with this because I had the same thing happen to me. The worst part about it though is that my friend Patrick killed himself on my birthday! So, yeah.....that day now has double meaning for me. Filled with love and pain at the same time. Thank you for sharing yours! You are not alone!
Would you mind if I share this with some friends of mine? I think this will help them understand my dread of my birthdays. I would really appreciate it! Loved this one!
Dark Heart, thank you for you comments.
Xtasis, thank you for your ocmments. The boyfriend didn't mean a thing to me. My 1st husband had passed away leaving me with a big empty void that I was trying to fill. I kicked him out the next day.
cr8ve1, please feel free to share this with whomever you like.
What a sad time for you and although it's obvious you feel guilty, you shouldn't blame yourself. Although i'm not in your shoes and it's an easy thing to say. We all have made decisons that we later regreted, but we cannot change the past, we can only move forward, hopefully a little wiser and a little stronger in our convictions and in who we are. I am sorry for the loss of your friend, even if it was a long time ago.
I will always feel guilty about this. I don't really blame myself, after all if he was going to do this, he would have done it eventually. But I can't help but feel that I could have done something to prevent it from happening that night when he needed me.
Oh Disturbia, this piece made my heart hurt for you and John both. Writing has been both a tool of catharsis and healing for me, and I pray it is for you, as well.
Yes tnderhrt23, writing has been a tool of catharsis and healing for me too. I've been keeping journals and writing poetry since my teens and it's always helped me cope in a positive way with my feelings.
Thank you for your comments
that really sucks. i hate it to think of anyone having to go through anything like that. having had several friends and known several people to take that way and have had two very good friends attempt, and thankfully fail; i feel tour pain. i know it's easier said than done, but please don't feel guilty. regardless, it was not your fault. maybe he would have made it through that night, but there would have been another time. when people make up their minds that there is no other option, there's not much other people can do about, especially when they've made up their minds. i wish you well and hope no one will ever put you in that kind of situation again.
Thank you for your kind words s0126phoenix. I'm sure he would have made another attempt. He had been depressed for quite some time. But at least I would have felt that I'd done everything I could have to save him. What is for me unforgiveable is that I sent him away not because I wanted to but because I let someone else bully me into turning him away against my own better judgment.
This hub is very touching and I thank you for it, we all make absolute mistakes in our lives, unable to turn back the clock on them and impossible to know what would or could have been.
Yes aguasilver, you are so right, we all make mistakes and unfortunately we can't turn back the clock, as much as we'd like to. Thank you for taking time to read my poem.
It is easy to look at your actions as a mistake, but they were not. You made the best decision you could make, given your situation and the information you had. I've had several close friends commit suicide, and wondered what I might have done to be of more help to them. I still wonder, every time I think about them, but I realize the answer might be nothing. Their pain was eventually beyond my ability to affect. I might have bought them another day, or another week or month--but ultimately, the choice was theirs. I wish I still had my friends in my life, but they are gone.
Relating to your own situation, it was a shame your then-boyfriend could not have been more tolerant, but he was not, and that was the circumstance you had to cope with. You did the best you could at that moment.
Your poetry is lovely, to (slightly) change the subject. You express yourself with words quite well. Thank you, this must have been difficult to share.
Mike
Thank you for your kind words, Mike. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. After my husband passed away I hooked up with someone all my friends warned me against, but I chose not to listen and he turned out to be exactly the loser everyone told me he was. But during the course of that relationship I lost the most important person in my life and that makes me sad. You are right. I probably couldn't have changed anything, maybe only delayed it. Thanks again for taking time to read and comment.
Dark Heart 2 years ago
None of us know what wll happen in the future so you must never view the actions of your life in the terms of unintended consequences.Please don't feel guilt over this episode.Should the establishment who sold John his booze that night feel guilty? Of course not.
Use the memory of Johns kindness as a positive and try to
give back into the world some of the joy that he gave you.
That way, his energy will always live through you.