What About Me?
72
I’m sitting here clueless as to how to begin this hub. Ironically, when I’m away from my desk, I seem to know exactly what I want to say and exactly how I want to say it. My brain is absolutely flooded with just the right verbiage while I’m driving to work in the morning or when I’m walking through the aisles at the supermarket shopping for groceries. But as soon as I’m actually sitting here in front of the computer, I’m at a total loss. I’ve been pondering this phenomenon and wondering if it’s like this for other people. I’m sure I’m not alone. I often find myself getting fixated on the most mundane things.
So, being at a loss for words, I said to myself, just start talking. Say what you’re thinking and feeling even if it’s about nothing. Before you know it, you’ll be saying something.
I stumbled upon the HubPages by accident, read some of the hubs and found that I really enjoyed the diversity of the website. Hubs can be found relating to just about any subject and topic one can imagine.
When I first started writing hubs I had no specific goal in mind. I didn’t want to write “how tos” or “self-helps“ or get the greatest exposure and “make money” with my hubs. Mostly I just wanted a voice. I wanted to be heard. And I wanted an outlet for some of the poetry I’d been writing.
Now I've been thinking about using the hubs as a journal or diary. My own little reality show, replete with the recording of prominent events in my life, editorialized by my feelings about them. Whether anybody else is interested in what I have to say or cares about what I write is irrelevant. This place and time are about me, myself and I. This is where I get to be completely selfish and self-indulgent. Where I am the star. Where I shine. Where what I want counts and is important. My own little place in the vastness of the universe. A place to vent my anger and frustration with relationships past and present. A place to celebrate the joy, love, and happiness of my life and my family. Of course, if you read through the hubs, it's like getting short bursts into the story of my life, random, not in any particular order, but there none the less.
I didn’t always enjoy writing or reading for that matter. As a child, my hyperactivity and inability to sit still and focus on any one thing for more than 15 seconds caused me a great deal of misery and suffering. I was always doing too many things at the same time, but never getting anything done. Reading and writing were especially difficult for me because I was so easily distracted. Every other word on the page would take my mind to another place. Or I’d get impatient and want to read a whole book all at once, or write five different stories at the same time.
Sitting still was, for me, a task tantamount to climbing Mt. Everest. In fact, climbing Mt. Everest might have been easier come to think of it. It would be doing something physical. Being in motion, walking, running, jumping, anything physical was always better than being inactive. I didn’t watch much TV as a child. It was too passive and I was too restless. I couldn’t sit still long enough to make it through an entire episode of any show. One commercial break was all I needed to lose focus and send my mind racing in a hundred different directions.
School was a torture. I went to Catholic school, where obedience and discipline were paramount. No matter how hard I tried, sitting quietly and politely in my seat during my lessons was close to impossible for me. I would fidget in my seat constantly and prayed for the release of recess and lunch periods. I was always in trouble for talking, being inattentive or disruptive, or the worst of all sins… daydreaming in class. It wasn’t so much that I wasn’t paying attention, it’s just that I’m a kinetic learner. I don't think the kind and saintly sisters knew anything about different learning styles back in those days. It seems like I struggled with everything. Controlling my impulses and following rules were also very difficult for me. My report cards were a parent’s worst nightmare. And my name was written all over the "board of education" the gigantic paddle the good sisters used for disclipline and punishment. You got to write your name on it if they ever used it on you.
I don't intend to make this a “What It Was Like To Be A Kid With ADHD In The Sixties” hub so I'll quit right now. But I have to say, it is THE challenging factor in my life. I can’t really say anything about myself without talking about that. Worse yet, it’s a family affair with both my daughters and my current husband facing the same struggles and challenges. I can honestly say, there are times when life in our house defies description. But for the most part, thanks to medications, various therapies and coping techniques our household is probably just about as “normal” as anybody else’s. We’re just wired a little bit differently that’s all.
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I also enjoy your hubs, especially the kind where you share your personal experience. Whatever the dysfunctional opposite of ADHD is, I have THAT. It's always something. Thanks for writing. :)
I love Hubs where I get to learn more about a person. The Biography Channel is my absolute favorite. Butmostly hust th first half hour because that explains everything. The parents, the childhood, siblings, life experiences, everything before the so called "success"...
My son is ADHD and takes Vyvanse, I also give him Melatonin at night to "help his brain stop thinking" as he puts it and found Omega-3 chewables that taste like Starbursts because Omegas are important for ADHD kids. As you kept describing your issues I kept thinking "she has ADHD, she has ADHD.." Wow, that must have been so incredibly hard for you since there was no diagnosis back then. I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must have been to not know or understand why you were the way you were and even the adults around you couldn't really help as they didn't know either. Were you diagnosed as an adult?
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!! Share more, I am always more interested in LIFE than anything anyone could make up!!
Chris, thanks for you comments and your good advice.
pgrundy, always good to hear from you. I admire your writing very much. I'm not really sure there is a dysfunctional opposite of ADHD, but I wouldn't mind having some of that.
Hi moonchild, to answer your question, I was “diagnosed” more or less, sometime after my mother passed away, when I was in foster care. After several failed placements and some very bad experiences, I was eventually pronounced “hyperactive” which is what they called it back then and given Ritalin.
Disturbia: Thanks for this personal look into your life. If you write the journal, maybe people will tune in due to the compelling nature of your writing.
Christoph, I can open a window to my personal self here in this forum because I'm effectively anonymous. I'm really a very private person and would never be this open or candid in a face to face conversation. I'm usually the one who listens, not the one who reveals. Thank you for taking the time to read my hub and for your comment.
i can relate to a lot of what you said and especially to your comment to christoph (this is so me it ain't funny). i always enjoy your writings.
Thanks yorkie, I enjoy your's too.
Thanks for sharing this deeply moving Hub.
Love and peace
Tony
My pleasure tonymac04, sharing is always good. ;)
I've missed you too you bad boy, and you should always be yourself. After all, when it's all said and done, all we have left is ourselves. Hey, you better watch those bear hugs and long kisses, I've been known to throw caution to the wind (lack of impulse control) and run off with guys who talk to me like that. LOL!
nice hub.... it was a pleasure to read
We're learning more about attention issues all the time, thank goodness. Thanks for writing this.
BC, that was no poem, that was song lyrics from Bad Company (albeit a little bit doctored) LOL!
The reason you give for coming to hub pages is exactly why I came. I just wanted a place to put down what I was writing and share it, but at the same time, have it be just for me. I don't share what I write here with my husband, because its just for me. And the millions of people who read us.
You got it M Burger!
"When I first started writing hubs I had no specific goal in mind. I didn’t want to write “how tos” or “self-helps“ or get the greatest exposure and “make money” with my hubs. Mostly I just wanted a voice."
Bingo! That's exactly how I feel! I don't want to give people tips about how to clean their kitchen floors, I want to clean off some of the crud from my heart and soul, the dirt that's accumulated over the years. I really like this hub!
Thank you liminal, it makes me happy to know that someone else shares my feelings and understands what I'm doing.
I like your freestyle writing and honesty. Look forward to reading more!
Thanks for taking time to comment Green Lotus. Drop by anytime. ;)
hiya- I get what you mean I grew up as the fat kid, who was told by most of the public that I've got such a pretty face that if I just lost a bit of weight....
Well this is the place I want to express myself I stumbled on it 2 days ago and signed up literally wrote my first hub yesterday and hope to write more- you have a new fan!
:D
Well good for you Sa Toya and welcome to HubPages. I plan to check out your hubs. Thanks for your comments.
Every single person is a huge world.
I guess I wouldn't find attractive to give life to my past again, but writing about it would be very brave.
A scar that I don't want to open again, but anytime I turn my eyes to it, hurts.
A kiss for you! In time I could share my world as you do.
Hi motricio, thank you for your comments.
Thanks for sharing this slice of life. I understand your passions; and the trials of standardized learning. Creativity often takes a seat at the back of the school bus.
Now that you're free from the perils of autographed paddles and black frocks; you can explore your own Fantasy Island.
Thanks for sharing your hub, "What About Me?" I know there will be more. We'll be reading.
HUbCrafter
Fantasy Island eh, I wonder if de plane will be landing soon? Thanks for your comments.
This is indeed the place where you shine. Your writing is consistently good, and the movitivation of using your writing to meet your own needs is the purest of one.
Keep writing for you. We will read whenever you allow us.
Thanks.
Mike
From one Catholic ADHD’er from the 60’s to another, nice work. You are an inspiration!
It is much more enjoyable just working and writing with whatever comes to mind. Even if it is a mere barrage of a kabillion thoughts a second.
Write On!
WOW, a soul mate!
Hi Disturbia:
I was raised by foster families and my grandparents. I've never known family or love.
Living thus makes one a very independent person.
I've found, as you are now, that writing is catharsis. I write for fun and mental exercise.
You expressed yourself honestly and emotionally...and you did it well.
good job, keep writing!
Hi qwark, I must say that your writing very much impresses me. Thanks for taking time to read my hubs and for the encouraging comments. I find we have something in common, I too lived in foster care after my mother passed away. I talk about it in some of my other hubs.
Disturbia,I too was brought up a catholic and like you I always considered any time a teacher got to talking as free time. It was the perfect opportunity to indulge in a spot of daydreaming.Some of the Christian brothers were sadists like the nuns who taught you. I was a little naiive back then and was totally unaware of the psycho- sexual games being played out around me.
Somehow I came out untouched and intact.In fact I only have one character flaw. Admittedly, it has got me in a bit of bother from time to time, and it's my total lack of self control.
I can always blame my lack of self-control, well impulse control really, on my ADHD...LOL!
I've read most of your stories...please keep writing...your "voice" is interesting to me...I sort of like the hubs for the same reason...I even thought I would start another identity on here...so I could separate my good thoughts (good side of me) from my bad, ranting thoughts...that way I could retain the respect for my one side of me and still allow the other side a chance to vent.
Enlydia, I see nothing wrong with a good rant every now and again. It clears the air. People who really respect you are people who will respect all sides of your nature, not just the side of you that agrees with what they think. Be true to yourself and be honest with yourself. We all have many sides and should have no fear to show any of them.
thanks for that thought...I think I needed to hear that.
Wow, it sounds like you had quite a childhood growing up. Although I can't say I was ever deemed a unruly child as a kid, but I used to have an over active imagination to where I too struggled in school as a kid. Heck, even though I used to try to write various short stories a child, my mind would often come up with like over a million ideas at once before I even had a chance to write it down on paper. Hence, I kind of gave up on it later on, as my actual writing never measured up to what i always envisioned in my head. lol. oh well. however, i am getting better though. sorry about that. i didn't mean to hijack your hub for a minute there.
as far as the rest of your hub goes, it sounds like you really are a deep person. I never realized that you kept so much stuff bottled up over the years. Hopefully, I can get a chance to read more of your work, as you sound like an interesting person. have you ever thought about writing a book about your life and selling it? i bet you'd make a lot of money. besides, if that lame movie "Eat Pray Love" can do it, then im sure your story would be a helluva a lot better than that in my mind. :) anyways, keep up the good work.
Whoa! You were a bad catholic school girl? There were Paddles involved too? Hmm...me thinks King Larry wouldn't mind having a bit of a roleplay session with you sometime then. ;) hehehehehe Of course, I can't promise I'll be gentle, as I don't even know the meaning of the word. ;) Seriously, I really don't. what does that word mean anyways? Is that like a sandwich you can get at denny's or what?
Anyways, yeah my life has always seem complex, as I've always tried to live my life as a straight up honest a**hole. However, it seems since I'm around all these goody two shoes on hubpages, I'm starting to become soft these days. Maybe, I'm losing my edge or something.
like just the other day i was walking down the street and met this hot chick. well long story short, we both had hot steamy sex all night and day, as none got any rest. ;) lol. anyways, you want to know something funnier? i didn't throw her out of my bed saying..."get the f*** out!" like i always do when I'm done having my way with a woman...but instead..i..i...cuddled with her! omg, what's happening to me? I'm supposed to a jerk here damn it! Oh well...i guess i can take solace in knowing i beat the crap out of her boyfriend when he caught us together, and stole all his money and credit cards.. heheheheheheh
That'll show him for messing with me. ;)
Hey Steven, thanks for stopping by. As always, your comments are thoughtful and insightful. I don't think you hijacked my hub, whatever that means anyway... and even if you did, I'm sure I don't mind. I'm not nearly as touchy about a lot of things that go on here as some people are, but then again, I'm not out here to make money, sell anything, or profit from anything, so I guess it just doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. What matters is that you took time out from your busy day to read my little narcissistic story and you commented on it. It's really terrible being so all about myself... LOL!
LOL, Oh King Larry, you make me laugh so hard that it brings tears to my eyes. Yes I was a very bad Catholic school girl. So you like paddles and roleplay sessions do you? Well then you would have loved my first husband. He was completely into that sort of thing, amoung others. He was a true Dom and a very skilled Master who taught this lowely slave (kneeling, back arched, head bowed, eyes lowered) a great many things I'm sure I could have lived my whole life without ever needing to know... of course, that's probably why he left me the big bucks when he died, isn't it... LOL. I've yet to meet anyone else like him. Many have bragged, and many have tried, but so far, none have even come close. I suppose I could write a very interesting hub about all that but some uptight prude would probably report me and I would end up getting banned from HubPages for life, and I really don't want that.
Shoot woman. they wouldn't ban ya. the only way they ban ya if you kept consistingly violating hubpages policy. however for one hub to get reported, the most they would do is automatically unpublish it and tell you what changes they would want made to it. believe me, I had that happen before. i guess i need to tone myself down on hubpages. oh well. of course you can always um..e-mail me the story if you can't publish it here. ;) lol j/k
Thanks for the heads up King, or is it Larry? Which do you prefer? Master Larry perhaps? LOL. ;)
This is my first Hub I read from you. I found you on the Forum. I am very curious to read more of your hubs. I know exactly how you felt about daydreaming. I was afraid to daydream right in front of my own Mom (I thought she could read my mind!) I was just like you, I could learn and be creative all at the same time. (I have even written hubs while in church). Look forward to more. :)
Hi CMCastro, thanks for taking time to read and comment.
hmm...i think i like the sound of master larry. has a nice ring to it don't ya think? ;)
Yes, Master Larry, it does has a nice ring to it.
Consider finding yourself a kitten, Disturbia. The demands of a kitten to play, eat, cuddle and clean up the puke will focus your attention. Then you can take the kitten lessons and use them to focus on other matters.
If that doesn't work, get two kittens.
This is, after all, a magic cat planet. Use it to your advantage.
Christofers Flow 2 years ago
I love your honesty. Your emotional disclosure is fun to read. I am a child of the 60's and identify with many of the things you have said. There are so many people with attention problems and they are being called genetic, life style based and diet based. I don't have a feeling for why the condition(s) happen, but I can recommend an orthomolecular approach. Study up on Taurine, GABA, Omega 3 for starters. Good luck and hang in there, like the noble creature that you are.